Night Falling

For my fifth pregnancy, the hormone dump I was experiencing not only made me violently ill, it took my breath away. So, early did I go into my first doctor appointment. My OBGYN is awesome, I'm going to add this early. She's got an amazing sense of humor, and usually lets me get my way...most of the time anyway, so when she was doing an ultra sound and whispered "oh crap," I sat up and paid attention. Of course, since I was only five weeks pregnant, she was using the "other" ultra sound tool. Prodding here, poking there, shoving (can that thing get any further in?) there until "Okay Alex, see that? I think we're looking at two." Yes, two. I didn't say "Oh crap." No, I won't post what I said here, but it was followed by hysterical, maniacal laughter.

Two? At 39? Two? Almost 40? Two? When we already have four at home?

Oh Crap.

Dr. OBGYN went on to say that one of the egg sacs wasn't as developed as the first so she wanted to see me again in one week.

(sick, sick, worry, worry, more sick, more sick, freaking out, sick again, acceptance, dog ass sick, excited....a brief description of that week. I don't feel like going into detail).

Back to Dr. OBGYN, one week later. It was gone. Vanishing Twin Syndrome. It happens more often than not, actually, and most are never even discovered due the practice of waiting until the second trimester to give ultra sounds. But mine was discovered. And it was real to me. Yes, I know what the extra burden having an additional baby would have been. I know the risk I would have been placed in being 39 and pregnant for twins. I know it would have cramped our eight passenger vehicle that was already seating seven of us. I know all of that.

I miss my baby. I wanted to know him...or her...hold him in my arms. Love him more than I already do. Yes, I love him. He was real. I saw him. And I miss him.

Is that normal? Am I being selfish due to the fact that I have five amazingly wonderful children already? Is it okay to mourn a baby that just went away?

I think it is, and I do.