Monday, June 1, 2009

There is Superstition


Step on a crack and you'll break your momma's back.

You don't know how many cracks I've jumped over, yes, even now, because of that statement (you don't know how many I've stepped on either).

I am a superstitious woman. Beware walking in my kitchen with barefoot because you're likely to slip in the piles of salt lying scattered throughout. Who cares about gas prices, if that black cat crosses my path, I'm turning around. The bayou in the back of my mom's yard is filled with my broken mirrors; ain't no seven years of bad luck followin me around. And as for Lowe's, well, it's a ladder nightmare. I've even gone as far as creating a few of my own superstitions.

When I was just a young girl, there was an armadillo that had the misfortune of kissing the wheel. Alas, the wheel did not return his affections, and the wretched creature crawled off to die. His final resting place was a sidewalk I frequented on a daily basis. My walks would take me past his body in all of it's decaying glory. Each day he faded until at last a mighty wind (no, I didn't fart...ooo...I hate that word...fart), carried him away. That patch became "The Sacred Armadillo Spot." Never could human feet pass over this sacred armadillo spot. I had no idea what would happen to the feet that did pass over that spot because its sacredness was so awesome that no one dared attempt it. Certainly not me. I still don't walk over the sacred armadillo spot.

Never.

Ever.


Being superstitious, aside from not knowing how to spell the word, and it being a cool Stevie Wonder song, isn't as cracked up as it's made to be. It's annoying, actually. Your days are filled with nonsense ritual...tossing salt, walking back and forth under ladders, throwing mirrors into the bayou, kissing your husband goodbye once, or three times...but for goodness sakes, NEVER twice. Imagine the woe, the panic, the absolute FEAR that would strike if you missed doing something to avert evil. It's like those freaking chain letters you get in your email...ergh...send this out to 1,000 people or your dog will stop licking your toes in the middle of the night...what's that? We don't have a dog?

Damn, you freak.

Those things usta freak the everliving out of me. I'd be like...oh gods...if I don't fill this out and answer 128 questions asking weird things about me like if I like mountains or desert (like I've been to the desert...come on now) or if I like Sprite or Mountain Dew (dew the dew), then the love of my life will be eaten by a rabid monkey squirrel.

Well, can the squirrel at least wait til we get life insurance?

29 comments:

  1. Is a monkey squirrel a squirrel or a monkey? Hmmmm, ponder that.

    Never been a superstitious one, I had a wacky aunt who absolutely would freak out if you opened an umbrella in the house.....always had to leave the house by the same door she entered and wouldn't eat pork without applesauce...is that supersitition or Old Wive's Tale?

    My mother-in-law laughingly told stories about putting brooms by the door because the witches had to count the straws or something before entering. And watch out for the evil eye.....pfttt phfttt....

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are so funny Alex. I'm not superstitious. I bring all sorts of evil and doom upon myself daily when I delete chain emails. I do feel guilty with the prayer ones, I think my friends must think me lazy........but come on folks, just how much of that stuff can you expect us to forward!

    ReplyDelete
  3. that's funny. I lost all my superstitious tendencies when I got sick of forwarding every money/good luck/don't die/wishes email that came into my inbox.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You "crack" me up!!! I hate the word fart too, but you know what? Sometimes toot doesn't cover it, it's definitely a fart, either that or somebody crapped their pants! : )
    Macey
    PS my mom does the same thing with kissing my dad goodbye.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My husbands grandmother was very superstitious. Me, not so much. In college we always had parties on Friday the 13th and would violate as many superstitions as possible - you had to walk under a ladder to get in, we broke mirrors, and we decorated with open umbrellas - IN the house. Those parties were the most fun...

    ReplyDelete
  6. The armadillo would have delighted me as a child. I would never haved passed it without EXAMINING the decay.
    Sick, huh?
    Maybe that explains my kids, and the stomping on the sidewalk cracks...

    ReplyDelete
  7. If it makes you feel any better, I've broken every superstition, chain letter and old wive's tale there is and I'm still here to talk about it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I used to be super superstitious (hehe) but then my OCD got diagnosed and I got on some good meds and well...the superstitions sort of faded away!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, I'm not really superstitious, I just posted this post because...er...well...If I didn't then seven angry goblins were going to show up in the middle of the night and turn my cat's milk sour, and THEN when I least expected it, seven maids a milkin were going to go to the barn and let out the six geese a laying. Go figure. Karma. It's everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh yeah and don't leave the cupboards open in your kitchen because you will lose money. And never put your purse on the floor because you will lose money. Hmmm do you notice a pattern about my superstitions? Hmmmm???

    Yup I'm thinking getting life insurance might be important. You never know about those monkey squirrels. =)

    ReplyDelete
  11. too funny--the sacred armadillow spot! I've never heard of such a thing :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. This was funny.

    I'm really not superstitious. I'll do the occasional knock on wood though.

    The word fart actually makes me giggle. I really need to grow up.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Um, you're very brave to fess up. We have to say "rabbit, rabbit, rabbit" on the first day of every month for good luck. My hubbie's family's been doing it for eons. I have no idea why. And I wouldn't let my kids feed crickets to the geckos they got right after we bought the house. I was so amazed we actually could buy a house and I'd heard that the Chinese believe crickets are good luck, so no way was I going to imperil our good fortune to have a house. Too bad for the geckos, though. Worms just didn't do it for them. I think they joined the sacred armadillo spot.

    Alex, your sense of humor just makes my day!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kathleen sent me here and said I HAD to read this post! She was right .....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Superstition and OCD seem to me to be from the same root. If that is the case JP has a bad case of superstition. Sometimes I move things just to prove a point and have to chuckle as he passes by putting buscuit barrel back on an angle etc. etc.

    You are one funny lady and worthy of POTD for which many congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I once cried over a crab being run down by a car on John's Island Bridge...I couldn't save it but it went down fighting that tire with all it's crustascian will! I wasn't a child spilling tears, but 20 and thinking life was all there was till the crab's death brought me up short!
    Congratulations on mention in Post of the Day...worthy post!
    Sandi

    ReplyDelete
  17. Congrats on the Post of the Day Award!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I also have broken every single chain letter and superstition paranoia that exists and I'm alive to blog about it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Very amusing post and glad I found you... via David's Authorblog, of course. And congrats on winning POTD!!

    I'll be back.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I used to be superstitious, then I wasn't, and now I am again.

    congrats on winning POTD. Glad I dropped by.

    ReplyDelete
  21. What a great chuckle. I needed one at the moment. Came over from POTD. Well worth the trip!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thank you all for visiting...Now I'm wondering if I should have admitted to my superstition. Hrm.

    ReplyDelete
  23. speaking of monkeys... here in BR there's a digital sign that displays jewelry sales and business slogans and such. well... every now and again, when you're SUPER lucky an image of the PUG MONKEY pops up. I, myself, have yet to see pug monkey, but MANY very reliable sources have told the tale.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I hadn't even heard of some of those... Now I know. :D
    Brilliant, as always. :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Congrats on Post of the Day mention! Well deserved, really!
    Sandi

    ReplyDelete
  26. I came in from DAvid's post. Congratulations for the nod of approval, the POTD.

    I like the side line "...Mom, wife, teacher, but for here, I am just a girl."

    ReplyDelete
  27. Absolutely hilarious!!!! This is fabulous!!! Congrats on POTD! Very well-deserved!!! ~Janine

    ReplyDelete
  28. Great post and well-deserved of the POTD over at David's place! I'm not superstitious but my 17-year-old step-granddaughter is -VERY! Some kids paint-balled the front of our house one very cold night about 2-3 years ago and when the stuff hit the house, it caused a vibration in the porch where we happened to have a set of kid's drums, causing them to play with no one drumming on 'em. Scared the heck out of the kid, it did. After I looked for a source for the noise, she asked me if anyone had ever died in this house and when I told her yes, both my grandparents did, wish you could have seen the panicky look on her face then!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh Jeni, that was delightfully cruel!!!

    ReplyDelete