Baby's Got Fat

Imagine Gweneth Paltrow and Jack Black sitting at a restaurant. Gweneth orders from the menu, and once her food is delivered begins feasting by unhinging her jaw and piling in enough food to feed three grown men. We're talking food, major food. Jack Black stares at her in awe not knowing that he is seeing a thin Gwen and not the massively obese Gwen. He's been rewired by some sort of hypnotist into seeing "inner" beauty, but on the outside. So instead of seeing Gwen in a fat suit, he sees her as the skinny chic, but one that puts away massive amounts of food. Food. Lots and lots and lots of food. Hrmmm...

Truthful confession number one:

Please, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Alex. I'm fat. And I have never, in my whole entire LIFE, eaten even half of what Hollywood implies fat people eat. I have never eaten a triple cheeseburger, fries, pies, ice cream, and my date's leftovers when taken out to dinner. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I ordered dessert. Hollywood has projected the image that all fat people eat massive amounts of food, smear food across there faces when eating, and shove anything resembling food into their mouths proving nothing and no one is safe at the dinner table. All this for a bucket of laughs.

Seriously?

Yes, I'm sure there are people who gorge, pig, shove, and tunnel through food like there was no tomorrow. I saw the Oprah show that had video of the 500 plus pound guy who could put away several chickens at one meal. However, this is not the norm. Sometimes fat people are just fat because they are fat. Period. I'm fat because I had five kids, and I am laaazzzzy. I'll be honest with you. After getting up at 5:30 every morning, chasing, feeding, playing, and mom hooding with my three, three years and younger, children, I'm too tired and lazy to do the thirty minute work out it takes to burn off my three and two year old's left over fish sticks. I dunwanna, and I pay for it by putting on some package. Baby, FedEx has nothing on my packing materials.

I don't know. Movies like Shallow Hal really piss me off. Yay for the fat chick because at the end her guy can love her even though he can finally see her for the fat chick that she is. We should all get warm fuzzies because the fat chick is happy. Phew, I almost sound bitter...but really...I'm not. I'm just annoyed. I really should be taking a brisk afternoon walk while my perfect children nap.

Maybe tomorrow.

Baby's got fat.